Day 2 Journal--Part 2

8/5/06

5:13pm

Showers are a candy-coated dreamland even if you only get a couple minutes and the bottom of the stall is about the height of your butt cheeks. People seem to be much too tired to be self-conscious anymore, judging by the number of neked ladies I've witnessed today. I'm wearing shorts in broad daylight--fiery, scorching daylight, no less--and I can't count the number of times I've hiked these bitches up to have a scratch at my upper thigh. Don't care. Hurt too much.

I am starting to feel better, though. I'm sitting at a table in the dining/entertainment tent because it's the only cool place. Twice now the entire place has burst into applause as the Youth Corps passed and I think it's helping to bring me back to the spirit of the event.

I've had a shitty day. I was hurt. I walked less than a quarter of the route. My rescue and medical aid were less than efficient and the [expletive deleted] cheerleaders at Pit 1 needed a serious ass-kicking. When I came back from dinner--salad, chicken marsala, rice, brocolli and an oreo cheesecake--I found my tent half-empty. Diane's stuff was still there when I got off the bus and when I came back from the showers. Wtf? She left a bottle of water and an unopened can of Diet Coke. Oh and she left all the flaps open. Nice. Maybe she found someone else to stay with. Maybe she got hurt and left. Maybe she's a snoring bitch; I don't know.

It just sucks that I was sitting here eating dinner thinking about how disconnected I was feeling. I lost track of everyone I'd walked with, I didn't walk much myself, I'm here alone, I'm not feeling particularly friendly and I'm really tired of feeling like a [expletive deleted] schmuck for telling people that I'm doing the 3DAY for me. Oh? Your mom died of breast cancer? Yesterday? Well... [expletive deleted] me. I needed a challenge to test my limits. Selfish? Absolutely. I suck.

Being a good person is hard. No matter what you do, someone's always going to let you know that it's not enough.

Anyhoo, so I'm feeling crappy and then my tentmate disappears. Awesome.

So I'm here, participating, listening to a Youth Corps monkey trying to play a song but then stopping (twice) to tune the guitar. ... A bit more of this good cheer crap and I might actually have the strength to finish tomorrow. Here's hoping.

7:07pm

Already feeling better. Did the Mortrin Stretch at 6:30 with sexy Troy, took a nap sitting up at a table and found the yoga mat stretch area where--coincidentally--I hooked back up with Lorraine and Cassie. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one disappointed by some of the disorganized bullshit. Now we're waiting for the show to start (7 minutes ago) and taking turns running to the blue boxes and getting warmer clothes.

9:06pm

Here I am alone in my tent under a mountain, surrounded by people who care. I should have visited the Remembrance Tent hours ago. Oh I cried. I signed the white tent with a goddess symbol and I wrote my cyst story--badly--in the communal journal. And--it's not profound but it makes me feel connected--I wrote "We are all cells in the body of the goddess. We come together to function as one." and I dedicated my walk to Anne from PP, Sandy, Irene, Mom, the Grandmas, the cousins and everyone who's helped me.

I've been telling people I'm here for shugyo--and that's not untrue. But it's not the whole truth. I'm here because of what happened to me and because it shouldn't have and maybe I can help prevent that. It turns out that the walking isn't nearly as important as being here ... which is what the bus angel said. Always listen to bus angels because they clearly know what they're talking about.

...

I want to walk tomorrow. I want to do well. And I want to continue to avoid the blisters because that, in itself, is impressive.